It's Always Darkest Before the Dawn

Anyone who has experienced a great loss in their life will probably tell you that the hardest part of any given day is the night.  When everything is dark, still and quiet and your mind starts to wander, playing back all of the thoughts, feeling and memories you have been holding in during the day.

It has been almost 2 1/2 months since we lost our sweet baby Jacob and although the constant nightly waves have slowed to weekly to bi-weekly waves I recently have been hit by a tsunami of emotions as I lay in bed awake at night.

Exhausted from the day and tucked into bed next to my sleeping husband, as soon as I close my eyes everything comes flooding back into my mind.  I can feel the pain of the contractions as they strengthen and get closer together.  The shock of being told what is happening and that our little man will not survive when all was said and done.  The disbelief afterwards of giving birth way before I should have and having to say goodbye to my son at the same time as we were saying hello to him.  The overwhelming sadness as the shock faded away and I was left sitting in the hospital room clutching my husbands hand for comfort.  The void and emptiness as I lay in the hospital making the final plans for my Jacob and awaiting my discharge so I could go back home.  And the all encompassing grief as we walked out of the hospital past a new father and his baby on our way home, alone, together.

Every time I would close my eyes memory after memory would flash back in my mind and take me right back to May 2nd.  Through each memory and emotion came tears.  Tears for my son who left so soon, tears for my husband who never got to teach his son how to throw a ball, tears for my parents and in-laws who didn't have a chance to spoil their grandson, tears for my brother in-law, sister in-law and all my friends who didn't have a chance to meet their little nephew, and tears for me who will only have that one memory of her first little boy who was too small to survive.  And somewhere in between emptying my tear ducts and my sheer exhaustion I drifted off to sleep for the night.

When I awoke in the morning I was better.  The pain had dulled from excruciating to vaguely present, the sun was shining and I had the love of a good man laying beside me.  Through all the hurt and the pain I am grateful for the strength and support I receive from my wonderful husband, amazing family and countless friends.  And I take encouragement from all of the stories I hear from others who have been through the darkness of loss and found peace and love on the other side.  I know it's not an easy road to take but it is getting easier.

Jacob Young May 2, 2013