Calm and Clarity

As I was out walking tonight taking in the perfect evening of warm weather, no bugs and a nice soft breeze, I was struck by the feeling of calm and rightness.  Around the neighbourhood of my new house there are a ton of walking and biking trails that weave through parks, school grounds and man-made lakes.  As I was out walking along one of those paths I came across a little girl running down the path in front of her mom pushing a stroller and her sister walking alongside mom.  As the little girl ran she had a smile that spanned her entire glowing face and she looked so happy and free in that space in time.  When she reached her destination, a park bench near the end of the path, her sister decided to join her in the same fashion and too came barreling down the path with full abandon.

It was in that moment at that time with the day at its most perfect, the sky beautifully speckled with fluffy and wispy clouds and The Imagine Dragons "It's Time" playing in my ears that I felt in that spot, at that exact time, that all was right and how it should be in the world.  I couldn't help but smile as I realized that everything will be alright, maybe not all at once but little by little.  As one of my favourite quotes says "It will all be alright in the end.  If it's not alright, it's not the end."

Imagine Dragons - It's Time

Welcome Summer

It's official.  Summer is upon us.  Not only for my fellow teachers who are on their first day of summer break but for all of us who will get the chance to enjoy some of the best that summer has to offer.

However it became completely clear to me today that it really was summer because every old person that I have talked to today has informed me that it is too hot out and they wish summer would hurry up and pass by or just cool down.

Old people are also my indication when winter arrives but they inform me how cold it is and how they want it to be over with quickly so they can enjoy summer.  Man I look forward to my senile days!  They are going to be the best...worst...the best worst!

A Day About Nothing

Have you ever seen that episode of Seinfeld where Elaine goes to the Korean nail salon to have a manicure and while she is there she is sure the women are talking about her whenever they speak to each other in Korean?  Well I too experienced this today however I do not believe they were talking about me but two other women in the shop.  Let me set the scene for you...

I went to get my nails done today after work at one of those strip mall nail salons.  You know the ones I'm talking about.  I so fondly refer to them as factories because the women in them work harder and faster than normal humans and they pump out the clients like nobody's business!  You walk in and within minutes you are in the chair getting whichever service you have chosen.  Then, half an hour to an hour later you are out the door a little lighter in the pocket but with pretty nails.  Anyways back to the story.

As I sit in my chair having my nails prettied up, two women sat with their daughters who were getting beautified for their grade 8 grad the next day.  And you would think it would be the two young girls (who are friends) who would be gossiping away, chatting nonstop about this that and everything else but no, it was the dolled up middle aged mothers.

"Did you hear about so and so?"  "Did you see what she looked like?"  So on and so forth.  But the best part came when the moms started competing in a war of words about their daughters.  From what colour the girls dresses were, to where they were purchased and for how much.  Each time one mother brought forth information about her daughter the other would tell the same about hers then one up the other with another piece of information (a la Kristen Wiig on SNL, although no one claimed to have gone to the moon this time).  This continued until they ran out of topics about their daughters, then it became a competition on who was going on a better vacation this summer among other of their first world issues.

Each time this exchange would take place between the moms one of the ladies from salon seemed to make a comment to the others working and another exchange would take place, although one none of us patrons could understand.  Then after a few foreign quips, a smile or bit of laughter would erupt in that classic Seinfeld scene.

I soon found myself waiting for the Seinfeld style exchanges to go on and found myself wishing I too could be apart of this mystery conversation and throw in my own two cents from time to time.  But alas I had to sit in silence and imagine what witty words were being traded and create this hilarious conversation in my own head.

Now the women who work in the salon could very well have been discussing their own affairs and whatever they were saying may not have had anything to do with the moms and their daughters, but it is in times like these that I wish I too had another language I could speak openly in public, privately.

See you in 3 weeks ladies for my next appointment I look forward to more of your hilarious conversations I don't understand!

Allow Me to Introduce Myself

Life is crazy.  It takes us on all of these twists and turns, never letting us know where the journey will take us until we finally arrive.  Everyone has their own adventure to go on experiencing the good, the bad and the completely unexpected.  In the last two months I have come to learn just how true this is and have come here to treat myself to my own version of therapy, written word therapy.

Two months ago I was in bliss.  I was happily pregnant with my first child approaching 20 weeks and loving the pregnant life.  I had avoided morning sickness, I felt great and was enjoying watching my body change before my eyes as my little jube jube grew inside of me.  On May 2, 2013 everything changed. My body jumped the gun and kick started into labour.  It was unexpected and for most of the day I was unaware of what was happening.  A few short and painful hours later I was sitting in a hospital room with my husband and in-laws staring in complete and utter shock at my little boy, beautiful, tiny and completely still.  Being that I was only 20 weeks and 4 days along my little Jacob was not able to survive his birth and enjoy and happy healthy life with his father and I.  It was the most devastating event that I have ever experienced.  For days I was in shock.  It felt like a horrible dream I couldn't get away from, but it wasn't a dream, it was reality.  My reality.

Now I sit almost two months later and the pain is still here.  It sits and waits in the shadows, dormant most of the time but when it comes it is overwhelming.  I find no use in asking the question why because I know the answer will never come.  Instead I go through the stages of grief and sit and cry trying not to bring attention to myself or to upset the others who are around me.

I take comfort that I am not alone in my sadness and heartache.  My husband is my rock and the fact that his heart is broken as well and holding me up amazes me everyday.  Our families cry with us and feel for us not to mention being stricken with grief themselves.  Then there are the many others out there who have experienced a stillbirth and have lost a child.  The outpouring of support from that not so small community has been unbelievable.  If I ever thought I was alone in this I was completely wrong.

So here I am using this as an outlet of therapy for myself and for anyone else who may ever feel the way I feel.  Whether this is read by no one or a million people it doesn't matter.  Here will be the place where my thoughts and the the crazy event of my life will play out in text for whoever to see.  So here is to each of you who read this and to the many others who don't. Cheers!