Allow Me to Introduce Myself

Life is crazy.  It takes us on all of these twists and turns, never letting us know where the journey will take us until we finally arrive.  Everyone has their own adventure to go on experiencing the good, the bad and the completely unexpected.  In the last two months I have come to learn just how true this is and have come here to treat myself to my own version of therapy, written word therapy.

Two months ago I was in bliss.  I was happily pregnant with my first child approaching 20 weeks and loving the pregnant life.  I had avoided morning sickness, I felt great and was enjoying watching my body change before my eyes as my little jube jube grew inside of me.  On May 2, 2013 everything changed. My body jumped the gun and kick started into labour.  It was unexpected and for most of the day I was unaware of what was happening.  A few short and painful hours later I was sitting in a hospital room with my husband and in-laws staring in complete and utter shock at my little boy, beautiful, tiny and completely still.  Being that I was only 20 weeks and 4 days along my little Jacob was not able to survive his birth and enjoy and happy healthy life with his father and I.  It was the most devastating event that I have ever experienced.  For days I was in shock.  It felt like a horrible dream I couldn't get away from, but it wasn't a dream, it was reality.  My reality.

Now I sit almost two months later and the pain is still here.  It sits and waits in the shadows, dormant most of the time but when it comes it is overwhelming.  I find no use in asking the question why because I know the answer will never come.  Instead I go through the stages of grief and sit and cry trying not to bring attention to myself or to upset the others who are around me.

I take comfort that I am not alone in my sadness and heartache.  My husband is my rock and the fact that his heart is broken as well and holding me up amazes me everyday.  Our families cry with us and feel for us not to mention being stricken with grief themselves.  Then there are the many others out there who have experienced a stillbirth and have lost a child.  The outpouring of support from that not so small community has been unbelievable.  If I ever thought I was alone in this I was completely wrong.

So here I am using this as an outlet of therapy for myself and for anyone else who may ever feel the way I feel.  Whether this is read by no one or a million people it doesn't matter.  Here will be the place where my thoughts and the the crazy event of my life will play out in text for whoever to see.  So here is to each of you who read this and to the many others who don't. Cheers!