What Could Have Been

Since we had our celebration for Jacob at the end of July I have felt a huge sense of closure and release. Although I still get emotional from time to time, what Jamie and I call "moments", they have been less frequent and emotionally draining.  I do still think about Jacob everyday.  I say hi to him when I pass his memory box and teddy bear but I don't break down each time I do it anymore.  I know he is with me wherever I go and will always be.

As I said, I have had fewer "moments" however, the last few weeks have seen more of those moments than the last few months combined.  If all had gone according to "plan" it would be at this time that I would be exhausted from lack of sleep but extremely joyful because we would have just brought Jacob home.

With this hovering in the air I can't help but wonder what could have been and what would have been if Jacob had made it home to us instead of leaving us so quickly.  I often find myself looking down the hall thinking about how his room would have been decorated and how our lives would have been changed so drastically for the better.  But instead of that being reality they are only thoughts.  Dreams.

For those of you with little ones at home hold them close, hug them tight and love them with all you have.  I know I will when one day we are given the opportunity again try this all again.